


You Were a Kindness

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [22]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (sort of), (well borderline), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Comfort Sex, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki's still a goddamn mess, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Porn, Steve really would like Loki to stay in one piece for a while thank you, oh no it's cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:25:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1360603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shortly after the events of "only when you hit the ground", Loki struggles to recover. Steve wishes he could help more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were a Kindness

**Author's Note:**

> Loki's strategy of "dealing with his problems through sex" is not one I endorse, just so we are clear. But it is one that is fun to write. And sometimes you just have to break up your intense, character driven fic projects with a good 3k pornfic. It's important. (Pornfic _full of feelings_ because we're still with me, okay.)
> 
> Anyway, people are talking me into possibly writing a recovery fic for post "only when you hit the ground" but as of now that's...for later. After I finish some of my other 6 billion projects. (And update Life In Reverse _I'm so sorry._ ) But until that fic possibly appears...you get this one. It's cute, sort of. And there's sex. 
> 
> _I_ like my Steve/Loki porn. 
> 
> With many thanks to [the real life Steve](http://zaataronpita.tumblr.com) who reads over my fic and makes sure that all the body parts are in the right place, more or less.

_The whir of machinery, grind of metal against bone, fight it, damn you-_

“Loki?”

 _Can’t trust your eyes. Making you see, making you think…no. Get away from me get away get away_ get away-

“Loki! Wake up!”

_Going to take you apart, down to bone and muscle and sinew, please someone but there isn’t anyone, there isn’t anyone in any realm who will take you filthy wretched monstrous-_

“ _Loki!_ ” And someone’s warm hand was on his shoulder, and that snapped him free, finally, jerked him into wakefulness like a hand pulling a drowning man out of water. Loki sucked in great gulps of air, heart still pounding desperately fast. A scream boiled up in his throat and he swallowed it down, pushed all of it down, the seething well of terror and despair and pain.

Loki stared straight ahead and wondered if he would ever escape.

“Are you all right?” Loki closed his eyes, and after a moment the hand on his shoulder squeezed, lightly. “Hey.”

He shuddered. “Fine,” he said, tersely, and moved to pull away, to stand up, but the hand didn’t slide away like he expected it to. He turned his head reluctantly to find Steve looking at him, brows furrowed but his expression patient. “Just dreams,” Loki tried, but Steve shook his head and sighed.

“You’re still shaking,” he said, quietly, and Loki felt a sick roll in his stomach as he realized that he was. Minute quivers running through his body, and he couldn’t make them stop. His heart was still hammering against his ribs and he couldn’t quiet that either. Maybe it wasn’t a memory, a wild part of his brain thought, maybe it was foresight, he’d never had it before but-

Steve’s hands were sudden and warm on his face, cupping it between his hands. “Loki?” he said, sounding worried again. He needed to calm down. Needed to-

Loki lurched forward and kissed Steve with something like desperation and hardly any grace. He needed to _feel_ something, needed the warmth and the presence and the surety that he was not _there._ Steve made a startled little sound, mouth opening, and Loki took advantage of it to slip his tongue past Steve’s lips.

He felt Steve hesitate, but then he was kissing Loki back, his hands still clasping Loki’s face shifting so his thumbs could run over his cheekbones, his tongue meeting Loki’s and pushing back. He took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, body rocking forward, trying to rush-

Steve pulled back, just enough to murmur, “Hey, slow down,” on his lips. His voice was quiet and gentle. Firm. “It’s all right, you don’t need to…”

Loki moved his hands up to fist in Steve’s hair and tug. “Steve,” he said, aiming for impatience, but the sound of his voice was…not that. Loki could hear his own breathing shallow and fast, was acutely aware of his heart hammering against his ribs. Steve exhaled, quietly, and then moved, slow and deliberate, to draw Loki into a close embrace.

“You’re fine,” Steve said, his voice low and sure near Loki’s ear. He pressed two gentle kisses against the skin. “You’re fine, you’re safe.”

 _No,_ Loki wanted to say. _I’m not. I never will be. Nothing is safe and I’m always going to lose everything, I’m always-_ His hands slid out of Steve’s hair and dug into his shoulders. He could feel his mind spiraling, knew it was happening and couldn’t make it stop, hated himself more for not being able to stop. He needed to calm _down._

Steve moved, suddenly, and Loki jerked in surprise as he was pushed to his back, Steve’s body stretched out over his like a warm blanket. For a moment, his heart pounded with the sudden _trapped_ feeling, but then it was just Steve, his weight a comfort, an anchor.

“Just…calm down,” Steve murmured, and Loki felt his whole body shudder. “It’s…” His head bent, and he pressed a kiss to Loki’s jawline, then another, trailing in a line. Loki tipped his head to offer his neck, panted twice.

“Give me – _unh._ ” Loki broke off as Steve’s mouth fixed at his pulse and sucked, firm but not rough, and Loki’s body arched heedlessly up, his hips grinding into Steve’s pinning him down. _Please please please,_ he wanted to say, to beg, _give me something else, something stronger than fear-_

“It’s okay,” Steve said, his voice quiet and sure and level. “You’re okay.”

 _I’m not,_ Loki thought wildly, _I am not I am not I am not._ He dropped his head back, breathing short and quickly. _Please,_ boiled up behind his teeth, but he held it back. Steve’s hands moved to his shoulders, pressed down, fingers digging into muscle.

“Loki,” he said, and he could hear the worry. “Listen to me. Focus on me.” Loki’s fingers curled into the sheets. “I’m right here-”

“I know,” Loki said, “I _know._ ”

“Just keep thinking it,” Steve said, and kissed his shoulder, down to his collarbone. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 _You can’t promise that,_ Loki wanted to say. I _can’t promise that. Not forever._ He brought his hands up again, ran his fingers into Steve’s hair and pulled his head up so he could kiss him, deeply and fiercely, body pressing upwards.

“Loki,” Steve breathed, pushing him down, full of doubt.

“ _Please,_ ” Loki said, and hated the plea, hated the sound of his own voice, but he felt Steve shudder. Loki’s fingers slipped out of his hair and down, nails biting into the nape of his neck until he felt Steve’s muscles tense.

He made a low, soft sound, after almost too long, and moved, pressing Loki back against the bed, one hand propping him up as the other ran down over his side. It wasn’t _enough,_ and Loki pushed into him, arched his hips up. The warmth of Steve’s skin almost seemed to burn, and he heard his breathing hitch, but Steve kept the motion of his hand slow, the kiss he lowered onto Loki’s mouth gentle and deep. Loki shuddered, his eyes fluttering open and closed. The weight of Steve’s body held him down, heavy and solid and _present._

Steve’s lips lifted off of his and fixed under his jawline, nipped just sharp enough to make Loki gasp. Then he was pulling away, and Loki had a cold moment of sheer terror that he was going to leave, or worse, that he’d never been there at all, but he was just sitting up, on his knees.

“C’mere,” he said, expression open and full of concern, and Loki wanted to shy from that look but was drawn in instead, crawled to him and into his open arms that encircled him like a wall that might hold everything else back. His hands ran over his back, gentle like he was something precious. Loki pressed into him, almost dizzy, and Steve’s hands slid down to the base of his spine, kneaded muscle just above his buttocks. “You’re fine.” Loki’s breathing still felt rapid and shallow, and he made a faint and embarrassing noise, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder, inhaling deeply the smell of him.

“Steve,” he said, into his skin. Steve’s arms tightened. “I want…”

“Shh,” Steve said, and his mouth was warm on Loki’s neck. “Let me take it slow.”

Loki squeezed his eyes slow, wanted to scream that he didn’t want slow, didn’t want _careful_ wanted something harsh that would drive this all out of his mind and leave him gasping like a fish out of water, but at the same time he leaned into the gentle caresses, his breathing catching at every lingering, open-mouthed kiss and strong motion of Steve’s fingers massaging muscle. His hands inched down and Loki lifted his body, Steve’s hands clasping his ass. The thin layer of Steve’s underclothing was still between them even as Steve pulled him in to rock their bodies together. Loki made a faint noise and tried to rut his hips forward into skin, but Steve held him back, his voice a low murmur near Loki’s ear.

“Let me give you this,” he was saying. “Let me love you gently, like you deserve, like – like worship, if I were to-”

Loki exhaled sharply, pressing his forehead harder against Steve’s shoulder. “Would you – touch your God so?” he made himself say, so he did not think too much about Steve laid out on furs like a sacrifice, firelight flickering, prayers and oaths spilling from his lips as Loki-

Steve kissed the corner of his jaw. “Just you,” he said simply, and Loki shuddered almost violently, a soft whine squeezed from his lips. Steve’s hands kneaded his flesh, one finger working between Loki’s buttocks, circling his hole. His breathing quickened.

Steve released him and leaned to the side, leaving Loki suddenly bereft, though he returned quickly, uncapping the little jar and then moving one hand to rub Loki’s hip as he coated the fingers of the other in slick. Loki dropped his head again, panting. “Steve,” he breathed, and the hand on his hip stilled for a moment.

“Right here,” he said, still soft.  When his hands moved back to pull his buttocks apart Loki canted his hips, trying to push, but Steve jostled him down, not pushing his fingers in, just rubbing them over and around his entrance until he would have been writhing if not for Steve’s arms snug around him, was squirming, his body hot and agitated in an entirely different way. The rapid beating of his heart had shifted rhythm, just slightly, no longer quite so near to panic. He could feel his body opening up, relaxing, Steve’s comforting murmurs blurring together into a pleasantly warm vibration.

Then a single one of Steve’s fingers began to push into him, and he cried out, his body jerking upright where he’d been slumped against Steve, his back arching. Steve’s free hand stroked down his back. “You’re beautiful,” Steve murmured. “And I want – I just wish-”

Whatever Steve wished, Loki lost it in the push of his finger opening Loki from inside, making his stomach flutter with anticipation and his half hard cock twitch. “More,” Loki breathed. “I want, I _need…_ ”

“Slow,” Steve said, and his voice was still soft, but a little more firm, and Loki could feel his arousal pushing up against his underclothing. “That’s how we’re doing this,” and the command in his voice  made Loki’s belly tighten and his cock stir.

It seemed to take ages of riding Steve’s single finger, taking the slow thrusts in and out, each one pushing him higher until he was riding his arousal like a vast ocean wave that lifted him up and all he could do was follow Steve’s lead. Only then, _finally,_ did he add a second, pushing it in beside the first, his hand still stroking up and down Loki’s spine.

“Tease,” Loki accused, breathless. Steve huffed a quiet laugh.

“ _I’m_ a tease,” he said, voice sounding a little rough. “I’m just being thorough.”

“Thoro-” Loki broke off into a gasp as Steve’s fingers pressed into him. His mouth opened, back arching. Coherent thought fled out of reach and he tried to push back onto the digits inside him, but met the steady, warm pressure of Steve’s other hand on the small of his back.

“Let me,” Steve said, and then took a breath and tried again. “Let me do this, all right? You just…relax.”

“Relax?” Loki said, slightly airlessly. “Now?”

Steve laughed, and turned his head to kiss Loki’s temple. His fingers teased a little deeper, then scissored slowly apart. Loki gasped sharply and dropped his head forward to bite Steve’s shoulder, his nerves all on fire. Sensation felt heightened, sharpened, the lingering fear making everything brighter even as lust pushed it out. Steve’s fingers twisted inside him and Loki squirmed with a little sound he would not call a whine, his eyes fluttering closed. “You look…I love the way you look,” Steve said, quietly, his free hand petting Loki’s thigh where it was draped over his hip. “The way you move, the way…it’s incredible.”

The two fingers moving in his ass felt like too little. He wanted more, _craved_ more, wanted Steve to just take him in one brutal stroke, to make him _bleed_ to-

“Steve,” he said, voice thin and desperate, and the hand stroking his thigh tightened, gave his leg a squeeze.

“You’re fine,” Steve said, though his voice wobbled slightly and his fingers twitched in a way that made Loki gasp and try again to push back into them. “You’re fine, you’re good…”

Loki took a harsh breath through his teeth. “I want your cock inside me,” he breathed out, voice rough-edged. It was hard to make the words, but he pushed them out anyway. “I want you to bend me over and fuck me so deeply that I feel it tomorrow, that I can hardly breathe-”

He felt Steve shudder. “God,” he murmured, and Loki arched his hips, hands playing over Steve’s collarbones, his neck, his shoulders.

“Close enough,” Loki murmured, though his voice fractured, and Steve made a strangled sound and crooked his fingers, dragging them down over his prostate so his whole body went rigid, sparks exploding in front of his eyes as pleasure shot up his spine. He needed this, he _needed_ this and that was fine, that was just-

Loki gasped sharply, a third of Steve’s fingers pressing into him, working his body open. His back bent like a bow, hips rocking into the pressure and the sense of fullness, though even as his body stretched to fit three digits he wanted more. Steve’s fingers stilled as a low keen burst from his lips, though Loki could hear him panting, feel his erection against his inner thigh.

“Are you-”

“Just _go-_ “ Loki ground out, and Steve thrust his fingers in and spread them wide and Loki’s mouth opened, soundlessly, the nerves in his body vibrating like a plucked string. He writhed helplessly on Steve’s hand, head falling back to bare his throat and Steve took the invitation for what it was, his teeth scraping just lightly over the skin. He could feel the shadows of the dreams burn away, flesh made to remember where he was, that he was not, would _never_ be trapped like that again.

Steve’s mouth closed over the apple of his throat and sucked, warm and wet, and Loki bent into it, his hands fluttering down Steve’s back. _Please,_ he wanted to say, _harder,_ but the twist of Steve’s fingers inside him cut his voice off in a gasp.

“I’m here,” Steve breathed into his skin, panting. “I’m – Loki, Loki…”

“Take me,” Loki said, moving his hips deliberately to rub against Steve. “Let your cock fill me like your fingers, like your seed will, let me feel all of you inside me-”

Steve groaned, low and muffled into his neck, and his hips bucked. He withdrew his fingers and Loki made a hollow whine at the sudden feeling of emptiness, but then Steve was tumbling him back onto the bed, Loki’s legs splayed over Steve’s hips. Loki gasped, airlessly, head spinning for a moment, and Steve leaned forward, one hand rubbing over Loki’s side. “Okay?” he said, though his eyes were fogged with lust. Loki made himself nod and tried not to sigh when Steve pulled back to strip off his underclothing, though his eyes drank in the sight hungrily. Followed the barely visible trail of hair from his navel down, the proud curve of his cock in a nest of dark blond curls. The way muscle rippled when he moved.

Hunger surged, deep and ferocious, and Loki’s hips bucked. Steve’s eyes flicked to him, and he could almost feel his gaze like a caress, though his hands moved when he returned to grasp Loki’s thighs, caressing them in truth, his cock rubbing against the curve of Loki’s ass. He closed his eyes and tried to move, but Steve’s hands held him steady.

“You’re beautiful, Loki,” Steve said, low and quiet and perfectly sincere in a way that made Loki dizzy. “Which is why – which is why I want to take it slow.”

Loki’s breath came out in a ragged gasp, two desires warring violently in him. The need for _more_ and _harder_ against the desire underneath to be held and soothed and cared for. “Ah-” he made an airless noise, body quivering. “Do what you will, I-I-”

Steve’s hips rolled against him again, and Loki’s back arched. He closed his eyes in surrender and let his head fall back, feeling Steve move, his hands rubbing Loki’s hips and thighs, digging in every time he twitched.

At last, at last, one of his hands moved, guiding his cock against his opened hole. Loki didn’t bite back the slight keening noise in time as Steve thrust into him, just a shallow, gentle push. Loki forced his eyes open to look up as he felt Steve tremble against him. He was bright red, the skin of his chest flushed and a slight sheen of sweat visible, and Loki could feel his hands flexing.

“Just move,” he urged. “I can take – all of you-”

“I know,” Steve said, his voice rough. “That’s not the point.” He pushed slowly in just a little further and Loki gasped, his body straining against Steve’s hands. His eyes fluttered between open and closed, aware of every inch holding him open, rubbing intimately against his insides. He took a couple short, sharp breaths, head twisting back and forth.

Another inch and Loki wanted to howl, his back arching off the bed. One of Steve’s hands groped for Loki’s cock and wrapped around him but didn’t move. He felt splayed wide open, laid utterly bare, gloriously helpless and wonderfully aroused, thoughts evaporated but for _Steve._

Loki could hear him panting, twitching, and this time he didn’t pause so long before pushing into him again, not stopping until they were pressed together. He imagined he could feel the throb of Steve’s cock deep inside him, _could_ feel the soft skin of his balls pressed against Loki’s ass. Even with the careful preparation there was an ache deep within but he only savored that, savored everything.

“Loki,” Steve breathed, his voice soft. “Ah…”

Loki let out a whine. Steve’s head was bent and he couldn’t quite make out his expression, but the thumb of his hand on Loki’s leg was rubbing firm circles, the hand on his cock still frustratingly still though he squeezed, once, enough to make Loki’s body jump and shudder. He held like that, taking deep, gasping breaths.

Loki tried to move, to buck his hips to push the hot, hard length of Steve’s cock deeper into his body, but Steve shifted just enough that he was effectively holding Loki immobile, his expression one of determination as he rocked his hips just enough that Loki felt his cock shift inside him, just enough friction to make him gasp and set his nerves singing, a bolt of feeling shooting up his spine.

And then Steve started to move.

Deep, long, rolling thrusts of his hips, sliding out and pushing back in, still so _slow_ but it only meant that Loki could feel all of it, every second, every small shift and stretch and lightning-shiver of pleasure. His eyes fluttered between open and closed, every time his eyes flying to Steve’s face, his eyes, bright and blue and full of something unnamable. All he’d meant to do was escape and now he was coming undone, _Steve_ was undoing him. He rocked wildly between tension and liquid pliability, body arching off the bed and melting into it, and he could hear Steve panting and saying his name, _Loki, Loki,_ until he was dizzy with it.

He reached for Steve, grasping at whatever he could reach and when that was too far curling his fingers into the covers and settling for a moaned, “ _Steve!_ ” that made his lover’s breath hitch audibly.

And those long, slow strokes, the rhythmic squeeze of Steve’s hand on him in counterpoint, pushing him until every nerve was on fire and he was gasping, airless.

“No one’s going to touch you,” Steve said, his voice low and determined, fierce. “No one’s going to hurt you. I’ll make sure of it.” His hips stuttered slightly in their rhythm, and a faint _ah-aaah_ noise escaped Loki’s throat that he couldn’t quite swallow in time. Steve exhaled harshly and he pushed forward, hand dropping from Loki’s thigh to rest on the bed by his shoulder, pace quickening. It felt like his cock was pushing deeper into Loki than before, opening his whole body so he could feel almost nothing else.

“Steve,” Loki said, and then lost what he’d meant to say, and just repeated it, “ _Steve,_ nnnn-”

“Just let it- let it-” The hand still on his cock tightened and then stroked up and Loki cried out, straining for orgasm, his mouth falling open. _Almost,_ he thought, or maybe said, _almost,_ and then Steve’s fingers squeezed that spot just under the head and he was gone, coming in stripes over Steve’s hand and his own chest. Steve followed two strokes later with the spasms of Loki’s body, gasping, and Loki forced his eyes to stay open so he could drink in the ecstasy on his face.

Steve slumped down over him as his orgasm began to fade, and Loki wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed his face into Steve’s neck without thinking, welcoming the weight on top of him. His body buzzed faintly, though post-coupling lassitude was beginning to creep on him.

“I mean it,” Steve mumbled, as Loki was starting to drift.

“Hmm?”

“I won’t let anything happen to you. I protect people. It’s what I do.”

 _You cannot protect everyone,_ Loki thought, but it was faint, and without his guard the reassurance crept under his skin and curled up there, warm and soothing. “So it is,” he murmured, instead. “So it is.”

“I wish I could take the dreams away from you,” Steve said, even quieter. Loki kissed his shoulder and closed his eyes.

“You do,” he said.


End file.
